Reconciliation in Lesbian Relationships

On Apr 13th 2022, when I woke up that morning no one could have convinced me of where I would be almost a year later. I woke up distresses, anxious, and at an utter loss.

The day before my car broke down beyond repair, my boss warned me that if I did not have a car, I would not have a job; money was a problem, found out I had a stomach hernia, and the worst part of it all my girlfriend had run away with her ex all within 24hrs.

The hurt was so unexpected and out of my control, that it spun me into a dark place, which took me months to get over.

It was that week that The Intersex Recognition was created, I felt so lonely in my community and dumbfounded by the intricacies of being with a woman, I needed to learn more.

Even after I got a bran new car, got promote into a new job, money issues were settling, got accepted into a PhD program, and had a sweet new girlfriend; I realized I was still hurting and lost.

Seven months would go by; women would come in and out of my life, with the bitter taste of her ghost staining my memory.

Seven months of crying late at night when no one was around. Seven months of cursing the day she was born, and was given the opportunity to leave her imprint on my skin.

Seven months of wishing I could erase my memory and say “yes” to those who waited in the dark for me to acknowledge their love. Seven months of pain.

By late autumn, I decided after much self-exploration and questioning that maybe there was such a thing as “never truly getting over a person.” I was finally accepting that pieces would remain missing within me and that life needed to keep moving.

It was at this time one Sunday afternoon that I was sitting with my best friend Ellen in her car, crying for the last time in each others arms of our past loves and hurt that my phone light up with an incoming message. I thought at first I had read the name wrong, but as soon as I took a better look I threw up.

Ellen in shock read the name and proceeded to try and find me (As I got out of the car and started walking). She read the message out-loud, and then stared at me with that WTF just happened look. It was simple and straight to the point.

It was an “I am sorry” note, and it left me numb and emotionless. I would be a liar if I said it wasn’t something I prayed for or that I did not care. I cared. I cared more then I was willing to admit or even wanted to feel.

Part of me hated her for all the pain she had caused me and the other just wanted to feel her skin under my hand, and more than anything I just wanted to know Why.

I think that is when reconciliation begun for me. When a door is open into a relationship we have many chooses.

The better part of me wanted to enter, leaving the door wide open so that I could leave at anytime. I took a step in her direction; remembering that my intentions are to always be true, to keep an open mind, and have boundaries not wall, and to never punish her for abandoning me.

Individuals are never broken and the human heart is never beyond repair, but when reconciling with anyone it takes all individuals in the relationship to want to do it.

Reconciliation is a goal and it requires a team to attain it; one person alone cannot do all the work nor is it fair.

Here are ten tips to help when starting the process of reconciliation:

  1. Start with friendship. When my ex came back into my life we made it clear that we would be friends.  We were so determined to regain trust for one another at that level that we waited over a month to physically see each other again. It was worth the wait!
  2. We gave each other permission to “ask anything and keep no secrets.” This came with an additional side note “please no details.” We also gave each other room to feel the anger and pain but express it appropriately when we were both calm and ready to listen.
  3. This is an absolute “no-no,” no yelling, screaming, name-calling, or threatening.  No harassing them by texting or calling multiple times! What is done is done, and if you are not willing to leave it in the past than you can forget about it ever working out in the future. Also, don’t play victim and use the past as a weapon, for example “you used to do this, you used to do that.”
  4. Set some rules and boundaries. Every once in awhile you have to set your limits. “There are certain things I cannot and will not be okay with, it’s not a secret and I don’t expect you to read my mind, so I will share them with you.”
  5. More boundaries. Everyone I have allowed in knows this well about me. I am open to everyone and anyone, but if you hurt me and I give you a chance and you waste it there is no more chances after that. I have learnt that people will not change if they don’t have too, so if you keep giving them chance after chance there really is no point in the person listening to you because they already know they will get away with it. I always forgive those who have hurt me and then I let them go with an open heart, e.g. “I wish all the love and happiness in the world, thank you for the time you shared with me.”
  6. Once you say you are ready to forgive, the work is on you in achieving it. Forgiveness comes from within so only you can make it happen.
  7. It takes two to make the wheels of a relationship move, therefore we all need to accept responsibility and fix the problem. Sometimes it’s not just about the other person that hurt us changing, but you included.  It can be hard work, as we may have to change are attitudes and actions. Think about counseling and therapy if there are too many bumps in the way.
  8. Don’t beg, that changes the power situation in a relationship and it make you feel like shit. You will not need to beg if you actions and intentions are true, she will be able to see them.
  9. Keep family and friends out of it. If you need to talk about it that is what we have the mental health profession for “unbiased trained individual to listen.” You don’t need anyone’s approval because if they say that they love you, than they should always be there to understand and support you. There are some who did not want my ex back in my life, but they were supportive enough to know to keep their mouths shut with their opinions and just spread the love (thank you, you are a true friend!).
  10. Always communicate calmly and rationally or you will only scare them and drive them away. Remember what brought you two together and why it’s worth fighting for, but do it the mature way!

Nothing is guaranteed in life we can only do as good as with what we have been given and understand.

I don’t know if this relationship will work out and I don’t care.

I only care that some things are too great to let go off and that a chance for a life of true happiness can be found when anger, jealousy, and distrust are left behind; and compassion and love have taken their place.…

Lesbian Transgender for a Night!

All night, all I got from my two companions and supporters for the evening was “wow, you’re really not yourself. Are you okay?” After the hundredth time of saying that I am alright I tried to bounce out of my head but I had already become hyper vigilant to my environment and to the people who surrounded me.

Comfortable in my body, bound and changed through the use of duct tape and props but not with the person who was inhabiting it.  I can only imagine the experience being the opposite for an individual who is transgender, to know the person but not being able to fit in the body.

I have always had a great admiration for the transgender population, I have felt that they have been at the fore front of the attacks from the heterosexual community and for much of our time on this planet they have been misunderstood, ignored, abused, victimized, and treated unkindly. This has not only been from our straight counterparts but from the gay, lesbian, and bisexual community.

I do think that things are getting better on the LGB side and that we are attempting to include and educate each other; however transgendered people are still abused and harmed on a regular basis from the world in general. Unlike some of us that chose to be in the closet, we only have to hide our sexuality, but what about when it’s your body you are changing and do not fit into? There is no hiding when you know that your body and person/mind don’t belong with one another.

Like two puzzle pieces that fit together we take for granted the beautifully choreographed dance of our body and mind merging, but for Trans people there is no dance but a battle.

I think it’s ironic that more people do not get it, everyday individuals struggle with body weight and disease and feel that they’re bodies have failed them and wished they could change it.

Is this so different or hard to understand that someone may feel that they’re body is not rightly shaped and that in order to feel whole it would have to change. We are consistently being forced to see are selves in a one dimensional view point: you have a vagina so therefore you are a female, hence you need to reproduce and like pink!

Well boxes are great for carrying and storing things, but people are far too brilliantly complicated to fit into one box.

Biology is not perfect, and the universe was not created on perfection but the beauty of uniqueness and interconnectedness. So my mission was to interconnect, get uncomfortable and change.

So here was my experience: the night started with laughs and giggles and at first when I got in the car with a slightly itchy crotch and two lesbians teasing me, I was actually feeling pretty good. I was even beginning to feel the male part of my personality come up to the surface, like he had been hiding and remaining quiet all this time in the background.

That feeling lasted all of about 10 minutes, as soon as I walked into the restaurant and the three girls sitting waiting for their table looked at me in disgust, then I felt about two-feet tall.

I was either met with invisible indifference or questioning dirty looks, and honestly it was not the straight people that really got to me but the unresponsiveness of my LBG community.

I thought that for the first time I would be recognized as a person who is attracted to women, but alas I felt invisible (I might just be that ugly and have not yet surfaced out of denial!)

As a Lesbian that is described as femme, which often means “you have that straight look,” I have often felt indistinguishable to my community. I pass as straight and have a child, so therefore I need to Come Out pretty much everyday of my life and am often looked over by my own community.

My friends think this is funny, and yes we have often all laughed at the fact that I am the most open of all of them and yet the most unseen in the lesbian hangouts.

So when I had the courage to change and transform into my Lesbian Transgender self I was saddened to see I felt exposed to the straight world even more to be rejected upon but also that I was still very much unnoticed to Lesbians (maybe I was too cute and really did look too much like a straight guy! I can’t win!)

It definitely made me appreciate my body than I did before but I also value the discovery of the male side of me and the kindness and shy boy that lives inside my shell.

He is a pretty cute sweet guy and I don’t intend to keep him in hiding anymore!

Watch the videos to see the transformation as well as to have a good laugh!

Special thanks to Mac for the learning experience and showing me her world, as well to my close and dear friend Ellen for always keeping me smiling and supporting me and my crazy adventures (Holla back girl!)…

Coming Out the Stages… One Step at a Time!

Everyday I get an email from a reader struggling with coming out or even questioning their sexuality.  Confused and lost searching for answers. It upsets me to know how many of us feel alone and with more barriers and walls in front of us in discovering who we are then is needed.

Coming out is stressful issue in an LGBT’s life and that can cause us to make poor decisions. Finding your sexual identity is crucial in being a healthy person, understanding the process even more so. Dealing with that stress may be to go through the transformational process and find ways to stay healthy.

I am going to briefly describe the stage of finding ones identity, so as to provide a guide. Now you may not experience these in order and do not compare the stage as one is no better than the other. Just because you find yourself in stage 3 and not 5 does not mean you are any less mature or “underdeveloped.”

1.  Identity Confusion: In this stage you may experience denial or confusion regarding your feelings of attraction and sense of self. Using alcohol, drugs and other substances (AODs) to manage the fears of being homosexual may occur at this stage. Also individuals in crisis in this stage may use AODs to numb their sexual feeling for the same sex.

2.  Identity Comparison: In emotional pain and still confused, contemplation occurs at this stage for the same sex attraction. You may feel vulnerable and exposed and use AODs to help with the anxiety.

3.  Identity Tolerance: There is some settling on the idea that one is gay in this stage “I could be a lesbian?”

Questioning and slowly knowing this could lead to feelings of isolation. This is a stage where you may seek out other LGBTs and want to explore the LGBT culture and community. If growth continues in this stage ones self-image may change to “I am a lesbian.” For some of us we may first identify as bisexual before admitting we are gay, simply as it is more socially acceptable, and that is okay.

4.  Identity Acceptance: Creating experiences and connecting further with LGBTs to normalize the new self.

However this can lead to more AOD use and even abuse in order to socialize and meet potential partners as there is a fragile sense of self and our LGBT status is still shaping and vulnerable. Also this may be a time where disclosure is made to another of one’s homosexuality, which could lead to anger and abandonment therefore more AOD use!

5.  Identity Pride: During this stage there is an acceptance of how we feel about our sexuality and the rejection of society.

Anger may be felt here towards the straight world and you may reject the dominant heterosexual world. Many will become active in the LGBT community and form alliances with others who share their view and fight for equality.

6.  Identity Synthesis: There is an integration here of the homo and hetero world. Anger and the rejection of society lessen and we become less fueled by anger.

Our homosexuality has become incorporated with other parts of who we are. If you have been drinking and drugging heavily through the coming out process it may be difficult to get to this point, and many problems may have developed by now in our life due to the choice of coping with AODs.

The less positive your self-identity, the harder it will be to build self-esteem and intimacy with others.

Finding the right fit with your sexuality will allow room for growth and self-worth. When you have negative sense of self which could be an identity disorder you are more likely to seek out relationships with partners that reinforce your sense of worthlessness.

All the identity confusion, drinking, drugging and any other forms of abuse could lead to three kinds of isolation.

The first one being cognitive isolation, where there is a lack of information about the LGBT community, how same-sex couples function, how long they stay together, how they determine gender roles, and how they solve relationship issues.

The second is social isolation. Here there is a lack of contact with positive role models which in turn reinforces negative beliefs that our society places on LGBTs. Unfortunately there are not many LGBT role models to grow from as many of us with extreme potential and knowledge live closeted or are indifferent on giving back to the community at large.

Emotional isolation is the last one, poor social support and few resources lead to unhealthy behavior and poor self-esteem which creates a dysfunctional, stressful living conditions and a lonely community.

That is why it is so important and pressing that we encourage coming out, building stronger connections to each other, and building a healthier community with abundant resources and role models to help our future and our future families.

Coming out should be a celebration of your true identity being unveiled and released into the world, and it’s difficult without the right individuals leading the way and supporting the process.

I wish there were a more beautiful and transformational term to refer to the process of developing and sharing your sexual orientation. I believe if it were a more affirmative term it would create a more positive and hopeful experience. Words have a powerful and energetic effect on people when said, thought, and expressed.…

Gender Sexuality

The concept of sexuality is something that there’s a lot of turmoil about, to be perfectly honest. Recent decades have not only seen advances of women in many careers and breaking down many barriers, but also an explosion in awareness and recognition of the rights of those whose sexuality does not conform to traditional, conventional, or longstanding norms. How people view various forms of sexuality and what is legally permitted and not go a long way in how society defines itself, and the many different opinions, philosophies, and schools of thought often conflict with one another in many areas, be it the dating scene, the world of politics, and even courtrooms.

Even though much of the attention, news, and conversation seems to be dominated by things like female sexuality and the LGBT community, male sexuality is not as simple as it might seem. Understanding it is necessary for many men to know their comfortable place within this complicated world, and even women should learn about it so they can get along better with the people in their lives. While it is often up to each male to define himself, it helps everyone to know the following 12 myths and misconceptions about modern male sexuality:

1) Men aren’t naturally monogamous, even though women are:

This is a very common stereotype in modern society, but it’s a dangerous one. DNA testing and genetic research have shown that human genders are like most other animal species in that neither sex is more monogamous than the other. Social monogamy does seem to happen on a seasonal level, but not permanently. Women are very pressured to be monogamous, but their biology and personality are both well-suited for more than one partner. In fact, masculine individuals often have a deep-seeded desire for a simple life, and monogamy accomplishes that much easier than having more than one partner.

2) Men can’t change:

The assumption here is that people will never change. To borrow everyday parlance, “men are dogs and will always be dogs” so women looking to have a relationship with them need just to accept it.

This is so untrue. People certainly have changed. Compared to the people of two generations ago, they’re certainly far less sexist. Back then, a lot of men honestly believed that their wife should not work, except possibly to stay busy or the family wanted a little extra money. In new couples, many men have an expectation that their partner has their career and even would like to have some sense of equality within their marriage. Many people have also gotten used to the idea of women paying some of the dating expenses.

There’s sometimes even an expectation that as men age they will still be as interested in women as in their youth, perhaps even turning into creepy old men. However, the male sex drive does decline with age, and while menopause is not as apparent as menopause, it does happen.

3) Maleopause is just sad:

Urban myths and cruel jokes abound about middle-aged men suddenly buying motorcycles or having midlife crises involving depression and questioning their place in the world. Unfortunately, this is not helpful to people who do go through this. If they have an unfulfilled sexual appetite but are wanting to stay faithful in a monogamous, lifelong relationship, their heart and head and hormones might all be going in different directions. For that matter, if they were raised to be the breadwinner and ‘man of the house’ and find themselves making less than their spouse, it might likewise tear them up. Even if they crave an equal relationship, subconscious parental expectations embedded in their minds since childhood can be very hard to overcome.

4) Real men don’t cry:

As feminism has exceptional women in society, it’s proven that just because a person might be a little emotional sometimes does not mean they are not capable of being mature adults or successful professionals. This has had some impact on men, as it is now more socially acceptable than ever for people to cry and not be chided as weaklings. Many corners of society still have expectations about this, with exceptions listed as their favorite sports team winning or funerals, but for the most part, men shedding tears is a good thing. They’re either tear of joy and happiness, or they’re not repressing their emotions.

5) Gay men aren’t real men:

One of the most insidious ‘traditional’ views on male sexuality is that ‘real’ people wind up with a woman. This is very unfair to people who try to deny their nature, as sexual orientation is rarely a choice. They wind up wasting years of their lives and sometimes a lot of the time of their wife and kids living a lie. While not all gays feel comfortable living an ‘out’ lifestyle, it’s never healthy to be dishonest and force themselves into a straight lifestyle when it’s not who they are.

6) Men have more interest in sex than women:

The species might not still be around if this were true. Women might get disinterested in sex because of relationship issues, stress, abuse, rape, and even body image issues, but they inherently want sex too. What’s likely leading to this discrepancy is that male sexual potential is easier to awaken, as their sex organs are far less mysterious. Modern technology has found a solution for this recently as this blowjob machine is taking over the world.

7) Men are always interested in sex:

Some women are proactive and pursue men for sex, rather than waiting for a man to initiate. The assumption is that men are always a few seconds away from an erection and ready to get it on. While a male might not need as much physical stimulation or foreplay to move towards ejaculation, the truth is that sometimes, they’re just not in the mood. Nor will they sleep with every person they can.

8) Men have to ejaculate to enjoy sex:

Most people have not learned how to separate their orgasm from their ejaculation, but the ones that have to swear by the power of non-ejaculatory orgasm.

9) Real men are sports fans:

This is one stereotype that men sometimes do to each other. Finding out a guy does not follow any sports makes him look weak in the eyes of some, but in truth, some people just aren’t sports fans.

10) Men don’t like or need foreplay:

Even if people don’t need extended foreplay to get an erection, it does allow them time to get in sync with their sexual partner and establish an emotional connection. Many men were enjoying having this component of lovemaking.

11) All men watch porn and go to strip clubs:

There’s a general idea that an entire seedy underworld exists that all people go to when their women aren’t around or watching. While it is true that many men will do such things when they think they can get away with it, there are men that either doesn’t participate in such things at all as a matter of choice, or they don’t do it when they don’t have tacit permission from their partner.

12) Bigger is better:

In truth, size only matters regarding fit and how confident a man is about himself. Physical and sexual compatibility with their partner, as well as skill in what they can do with their bits and parts have much more impact on sexual satisfaction with their partner than actual size does.

Now that you know these 12 myths and misconceptions about modern male sexuality, you can have informed discussions about this topic with anyone you’re comfortable talking about it with.…